Not-so-earned Love

I always write late in the evening. Never in the morning, never midday. Always at night.

I'm rather late finally blogging about this, but the Crash retreat was incredible! Not because I had some quality time with God or the other girls, which was great, don't get me wrong. But because God showed me some hard truths about my life. I kept searching for answers that I thought were the only necessary things for God to share with me; where I needed to head with my schooling, what job I should go for, all the basics really. However, this was not His plan for the weekend and I was going to learn it in a not-so-easy way!

When first getting there I didn't feel like I wanted to be at the retreat at all..I wanted to bolt as soon as I sat down at a table. I knew God was going to share something difficult with me as soon as the music started, and I did NOT want to hear it. Trust me, He didn't fail to comply :p

I won't share the specifics, but I had to give something up. A stronghold, a burden that had weighed me down when I hadn't even realized it. I was angry at God...why had he let this happen? My argument of course making no sense because it was a choice I had made long ago, and allowed. Free will, I mean honestly how could He give us that?! (note how crazy I must have sounded) The next step of course was to let go of the stronghold. Easier said than done. But God doesn't want us to live under anything but His will for our lives, we just have to lean into that no matter how we feel at the time.

Letting go. Freedom. Peace. Joy.

He wasn't done with me just yet, I had to tell the group just what was going on. WONDERFUL. God has a sense of humor, and knows that I hate being in the spotlight! But again, He knew just what it would take to begin healing me from this.

I learned that weekend that I didn't really embrace or pay attention to God's true love for me...sure I've heard it my whole life, maybe even believed it in a shallow sense. Letting yourself fully experience it is another thing. That was His last message for me. I don't have to hold back with Him, I can allow myself to be completely open with my life & emotions. I am safe with Him. I don't have to earn my way into His heart, or be worried that He will change His mind about me. How is it that I've held back with that when He has been waiting for me, loving me through all of my junk & being my saving grace all the while?

Honestly, we serve a truly mighty God. Praise be to Him!