I really should be in bed right now..and yet here I am writing instead.
It's christmas eve day, such a great time of year! My favorite part is just being with my whole family. I love them quite a bit.
This year is a little different..I feel a bit stretched thin, tired, worn out. January never looked so good. But in the midst of this something has made me stop & reflect. In a sense I'm kind of enjoying all the craziness. When we lived in Bolivia I don't think there was a time where things were really ever easy, or my family wasn't doing something for someone else. Always working, always giving. But then, that's just my parents, the way they are. They've ingrained this idea in my head from day 1 & it feels right & good & should be done all the time. I think the qualities your family install into your very being are so important. I'm grateful for how I was raised...my parents aren't perfect, but they're my family. They've taught me so much; added to the person I am today.
Living in a place where you don't necessarily have everything you want or even need can be so good for the soul. It's hard to be that way here in the U.S where everything seems to be available in our comfortable lives. But when you are poorer than your neighbor, you realize just how important it is to give. You DON'T need that iphone. Or expensive laptop. There's nothing wrong with those things...it just makes you think.
With the new year rolling in I want to live a little bit simpler. Give a whole lot more, investing in the lives of those people I call friends & family. Be a little bit more grateful for what I have. Ask God for a little more wisdom. I also want to take the train to place I've never been, but that's the usual ;)
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Violet's are Blue
So,
I'm moving back home.
YUP.
Now, this may not seem like a big deal..I'm in my 20s, still going to school, it's pretty normal right? To anyone else it is, however to me, personally; it's a story that's been untold.
I feel a little bit like a failure. I let myself down in a way, I was supposed to pay off loans this year, save up some money. I had an opportunity open up to work in a salon which ended up not being the opportunity that I was promised. It ended up costing me money that I didn't have, & in return not making enough to even pay my own bills. I had a chance to take a photography job at the beginning of the year, which would have payed me to travel all over the world to take pictures. Instead, I chose to get experience in a salon to further my career. I said goodbye to a lot of close friends this year, & ended up staying in Lynchburg when it has been one of my greatest desires to leave. So, I guess you can say this year has been a bit challenging.
I've been dwelling on this for a while now & trying not to be down & blue...really just questioning all of my decisions that I've made. Was all of this really the right choice? Am I where I'm supposed to be? Where am I going?
In all of this, I come back to one solid answer; I have been selfish. It's true. If I had taken that job and not been in Lynchburg all year, I would have missed out on getting to serve at my church & meet some amazing people. I would have missed out on being there for a huge moment in my friends' life, & I would have deeply regretted that. I have gained so much salon knowledge, & good customer service? I can do that in my sleep. I was able to get my puppy Aria who drives me absolutely crazy! But I love her to pieces & wouldn't trade her for anything.
God & I have been up and down this year, but are finishing strong. Serving has been such a big part of our relationship lately & it's a good thing because it's what I need to be doing especially right now to get my mind off of my own issues. I've been praying especially lately asking Him what I need to be doing this next year; do I keep going with cosmetology or go full force into my art? My answer for now is pretty loud & clear, SERVE.
And so that, ladies & gents, is just what I'm going to do.
I'm moving back home.
YUP.
Now, this may not seem like a big deal..I'm in my 20s, still going to school, it's pretty normal right? To anyone else it is, however to me, personally; it's a story that's been untold.
I feel a little bit like a failure. I let myself down in a way, I was supposed to pay off loans this year, save up some money. I had an opportunity open up to work in a salon which ended up not being the opportunity that I was promised. It ended up costing me money that I didn't have, & in return not making enough to even pay my own bills. I had a chance to take a photography job at the beginning of the year, which would have payed me to travel all over the world to take pictures. Instead, I chose to get experience in a salon to further my career. I said goodbye to a lot of close friends this year, & ended up staying in Lynchburg when it has been one of my greatest desires to leave. So, I guess you can say this year has been a bit challenging.
I've been dwelling on this for a while now & trying not to be down & blue...really just questioning all of my decisions that I've made. Was all of this really the right choice? Am I where I'm supposed to be? Where am I going?
In all of this, I come back to one solid answer; I have been selfish. It's true. If I had taken that job and not been in Lynchburg all year, I would have missed out on getting to serve at my church & meet some amazing people. I would have missed out on being there for a huge moment in my friends' life, & I would have deeply regretted that. I have gained so much salon knowledge, & good customer service? I can do that in my sleep. I was able to get my puppy Aria who drives me absolutely crazy! But I love her to pieces & wouldn't trade her for anything.
God & I have been up and down this year, but are finishing strong. Serving has been such a big part of our relationship lately & it's a good thing because it's what I need to be doing especially right now to get my mind off of my own issues. I've been praying especially lately asking Him what I need to be doing this next year; do I keep going with cosmetology or go full force into my art? My answer for now is pretty loud & clear, SERVE.
And so that, ladies & gents, is just what I'm going to do.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Surrender
It's a simple concept, really.
Follow God, give your worries & burdens to Him. Allow Him to make you a better version of yourself through Him. It's actually a pretty good deal. The best. Then if that's the case, what makes it so hard to do?
-There is sacrifice involved. Giving up your desires & replacing them with His. (which works out anyway later on but hurts in the beginning)
-Losing control
That second one is big for me. I've come to realize more how much I need to control my life. Little things even. I feel out of balance if I can't control a situation..& really it's terrifying even picturing myself having complete control over my life because I would screw it up royally. Every time I've gone to make choices without God it goes badly.
It's hard, & I'm still working on it, but thankful He doesn't want me to stay this way.
Follow God, give your worries & burdens to Him. Allow Him to make you a better version of yourself through Him. It's actually a pretty good deal. The best. Then if that's the case, what makes it so hard to do?
-There is sacrifice involved. Giving up your desires & replacing them with His. (which works out anyway later on but hurts in the beginning)
-Losing control
That second one is big for me. I've come to realize more how much I need to control my life. Little things even. I feel out of balance if I can't control a situation..& really it's terrifying even picturing myself having complete control over my life because I would screw it up royally. Every time I've gone to make choices without God it goes badly.
It's hard, & I'm still working on it, but thankful He doesn't want me to stay this way.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
wanderlust
I love my job. Of course not everything is perfect, but I really love what I do. There are just some nights like tonight that my heart gets to wandering & I have this unexplainable desire to set out on that next adventure. If I could get up & head out of the country for the weekend I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'd take a road trip somewhere I've never been..& hopefully come back with some good stories. Coming home every night having the same routine is not easy. I don't even have a set schedule really. Where do I have room to complain?
God knows my heart..and who knows, maybe He put this desire in me to be of use someday. As early back as I can remember I've sought out & daydreamed of adventure..something life changing. Changing someone elses' life.
Maybe I'll get the chance someday to live out some of these dreams, or maybe He'll change me & my heart will land somewhere permanently.
God knows my heart..and who knows, maybe He put this desire in me to be of use someday. As early back as I can remember I've sought out & daydreamed of adventure..something life changing. Changing someone elses' life.
Maybe I'll get the chance someday to live out some of these dreams, or maybe He'll change me & my heart will land somewhere permanently.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Crash lived up to it's name tonight
I'm glad that God cares about my heart. But really, I can be pretty stubborn when I don't want to confront something in my life..& low & behold Crash has been talking about some things these past few weeks in the series that I don't want to even THINK about. My response? Gee, thanks God. I definatly needed that reminder. (sarcasm mind you) But I really did need it.
I won't go into more detail, but all in all I'm excited & cringing a little about the journey He has me on right now
I won't go into more detail, but all in all I'm excited & cringing a little about the journey He has me on right now
Monday, July 9, 2012
an odd turn of events
Lately, things have been kind of unbalanced in my life. Let me explain.
I've been trying to get along yet again, on my own. I've been working, & working, & working some more. I've been irritated with all the small, unimportant things. I've been forgetting the real stuff. The God stuff. The meaning to my life. The reason we're here at all.
This last month has been as hectic & crazy as I thought it was going to be, plus some. But I'm finding myself on my knees more often. My attitude is changing. I still get angry, frustrated etc. But it doesn't last, & the feeling of gratitude & peace come instead. For all the things I can let bother me in a day I have so much I can be thankful for. The fact that I'm feeling thankful for a crappy situation in work or life, is definatly not by my doing & I'm so glad that their is something better in me, changing me, and loving my troublesome soul.
I love my family so much. Truly blessed. I have had some amazing people come into my life these last few years. Truly blessed. Friendships that have lasted the years. Truly blessed. Opportunities to serve. Truly blessed.
\Thanks God, seriously. I couldn't do this life without You!!
I've been trying to get along yet again, on my own. I've been working, & working, & working some more. I've been irritated with all the small, unimportant things. I've been forgetting the real stuff. The God stuff. The meaning to my life. The reason we're here at all.
This last month has been as hectic & crazy as I thought it was going to be, plus some. But I'm finding myself on my knees more often. My attitude is changing. I still get angry, frustrated etc. But it doesn't last, & the feeling of gratitude & peace come instead. For all the things I can let bother me in a day I have so much I can be thankful for. The fact that I'm feeling thankful for a crappy situation in work or life, is definatly not by my doing & I'm so glad that their is something better in me, changing me, and loving my troublesome soul.
I love my family so much. Truly blessed. I have had some amazing people come into my life these last few years. Truly blessed. Friendships that have lasted the years. Truly blessed. Opportunities to serve. Truly blessed.
\Thanks God, seriously. I couldn't do this life without You!!
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Promises
A dear friend came to church on their own today; much answered prayer! So thankful!!
God has been hinting at a couple changes in me & my life that need to be made this year. I think there is a fear in that because once I take these steps there's no looking back at the life I used to have in my comfort zone. At the same time it's exciting to go into that challenge & grow deeper into who He wants me to be.
Psalm 37:5
"Commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him, and He will act."
How sweet are His promises to my ears. He WILL act. I can count on His word with no fear of deception. I want to, need to, follow after my God with a fire. He is so good to my ever changing heart.
I read exactly what I needed to hear tonight. He is so faithful, & always has been right from the beginning.
God has been hinting at a couple changes in me & my life that need to be made this year. I think there is a fear in that because once I take these steps there's no looking back at the life I used to have in my comfort zone. At the same time it's exciting to go into that challenge & grow deeper into who He wants me to be.
Psalm 37:5
"Commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him, and He will act."
How sweet are His promises to my ears. He WILL act. I can count on His word with no fear of deception. I want to, need to, follow after my God with a fire. He is so good to my ever changing heart.
I read exactly what I needed to hear tonight. He is so faithful, & always has been right from the beginning.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Life
There is a fine line between working for your living, and actively participating in that thing you call your life.
You have to work at doing more than just existing.
Instead of just coming home after work, I want to go sit by a lake for a while. Instead of sleeping in, I want to bring in the day with a good workout & time with my Savior.
Adventure, breathing in the fresh air, serving, living. I want to do more.
We have the chance to make our lives more than ordinary. Why be complacent?
You have to work at doing more than just existing.
Instead of just coming home after work, I want to go sit by a lake for a while. Instead of sleeping in, I want to bring in the day with a good workout & time with my Savior.
Adventure, breathing in the fresh air, serving, living. I want to do more.
We have the chance to make our lives more than ordinary. Why be complacent?
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Hard Battle
There is nothing sadder than seeing an elderly person who is bitter/angry at life & taking it out on others & themselves. What got them to that place? What terrible thing did they go through that gave them so much cynicism? It makes my heart ache for them. It's such an awful thing to imagine looking over your life that you've spent and regretting or hating it. No one should ever have to live like that, either by choice or not knowing any better.
I'm grateful for hope in my Savior. It gets me out of bed in the morning, & because of the good that He is in me I can smile & offer a little kindness in return for a rude comment. Not always, because I'm far from perfect. I wouldn't be able to do that without my Lord because everything in me besides Him is not pretty. Not so much.
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
I don't know who originally wrote that quote, but it's one of my favorites. And I know you can't change everyone's lives, and people choose their own paths. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try
I'm grateful for hope in my Savior. It gets me out of bed in the morning, & because of the good that He is in me I can smile & offer a little kindness in return for a rude comment. Not always, because I'm far from perfect. I wouldn't be able to do that without my Lord because everything in me besides Him is not pretty. Not so much.
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
I don't know who originally wrote that quote, but it's one of my favorites. And I know you can't change everyone's lives, and people choose their own paths. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try
Friday, April 6, 2012
my brain hurts...
Seriously, OUCH. I have been thinking/speaking Spanish all afternoon and it is ridiculous switching back and forth to English. Once I get into the Spanish mode, the switch doesn't go back easily.
It made me realize how much I miss speaking it on a more regular basis, but also makes me a tad bit sad because only a select few people I know can share that with me. Oh well, my plan is to have impeccable Spanish-speaking skillz by the time Nicaragua comes around this summer! I am soo ready to be back in the culture again :) It may not be my Bolivia, but my heart is in the same place. I'm excited to spend time with the girls from the House of Hope & get to be a part of their journeys. I love that I can share my story with them. I have a feeling God is going to do big things on this trip...there's going to be a lot of deep emotion and change. I am ready to use my testimony in a more public way. I'm so thankful for the changes God has put in my heart to get to this point...it's amazing and something I could never do myself.
There's a lot to be thankful for. Excitement. Butterflies. Joy. Peace.
Praising Him
It made me realize how much I miss speaking it on a more regular basis, but also makes me a tad bit sad because only a select few people I know can share that with me. Oh well, my plan is to have impeccable Spanish-speaking skillz by the time Nicaragua comes around this summer! I am soo ready to be back in the culture again :) It may not be my Bolivia, but my heart is in the same place. I'm excited to spend time with the girls from the House of Hope & get to be a part of their journeys. I love that I can share my story with them. I have a feeling God is going to do big things on this trip...there's going to be a lot of deep emotion and change. I am ready to use my testimony in a more public way. I'm so thankful for the changes God has put in my heart to get to this point...it's amazing and something I could never do myself.
There's a lot to be thankful for. Excitement. Butterflies. Joy. Peace.
Praising Him
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Days like today put a smile on my face...
My roommate woke me up at 9:30, I probably scared the heck out of her. (I don't do mornings well ha) Anyways, she took me out for a big breakfast. After getting out of my grumpy morning state, there was awesome conversation & bacon. Every morning should have bacon. Seriously. Good conversation too, but mostly just bacon. :)
So now I'm sprawled out here on the couch with the apartment quiet except for Nora Jones playing in the background.
I'm grateful for the little things. These last couple months have been stressful because of money. Because of an apprenticeship that I still don't know if I'll get, but looks oh-so-good. I've been frustrated. One way or another when I get to the point of where I don't think I can take it anymore, all the waiting, stretching the money I have, God brings a morning like this that just gives me a break. I have such good people in my life..friends & family who are more than willing to help & that have. Not everyone has it this good.
So thanks to God, for knowing what I need & when.
So now I'm sprawled out here on the couch with the apartment quiet except for Nora Jones playing in the background.
I'm grateful for the little things. These last couple months have been stressful because of money. Because of an apprenticeship that I still don't know if I'll get, but looks oh-so-good. I've been frustrated. One way or another when I get to the point of where I don't think I can take it anymore, all the waiting, stretching the money I have, God brings a morning like this that just gives me a break. I have such good people in my life..friends & family who are more than willing to help & that have. Not everyone has it this good.
So thanks to God, for knowing what I need & when.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Be Still
I won't ever be put in a box, become cookie-cutter perfect or please everyone by being some one I'm not. Honestly, I couldn't even if I tried.
I want to be exceptional in my own way. I want to push my boundaries, & be brilliant at what I do. It's funny, how most times out of 10 the person holding you back is yourself.
On another note, here's some good things about Lynchburg that I can appreciate for the rest of however long I'll be here. Incredible sunsets. Beautiful country. Gorgeous mountains. Oh the mountains, I could live the rest of my life indescribably happy if I could always be living near mountains. Art, my sanity. My family. I love living near my family, as crazy as they are, they're pretty great. BRCC & all the people that come with it. My friends. GOD.
One of these days my dreams are going to be made a reality. This is one thing that I am completely certain of, even when other things may still be hazy.
"Be Still, and know that I am God.." Psalm 46:10
I want to be exceptional in my own way. I want to push my boundaries, & be brilliant at what I do. It's funny, how most times out of 10 the person holding you back is yourself.
On another note, here's some good things about Lynchburg that I can appreciate for the rest of however long I'll be here. Incredible sunsets. Beautiful country. Gorgeous mountains. Oh the mountains, I could live the rest of my life indescribably happy if I could always be living near mountains. Art, my sanity. My family. I love living near my family, as crazy as they are, they're pretty great. BRCC & all the people that come with it. My friends. GOD.
One of these days my dreams are going to be made a reality. This is one thing that I am completely certain of, even when other things may still be hazy.
"Be Still, and know that I am God.." Psalm 46:10
Friday, March 9, 2012
Esta noche
I like the idea of a fresh screen for a new blog post, it's like a new blank canvas. It's so much easier to create & finish than a painting. Which is, well, nice.
Can I please go travel?? Right now?! Get on a plane and just go! (it would be my motto if I had the money to back it up with) Sadly, life beckons and requires me to be a responsible citizen and go to school & work. I get so caught up on how much time we spend working for a living, going to school for that living, and then the time we devote to our families/friends or doing something to better the world. The ratio just seems a tad unfair. But then, who said life was supposed to be? Maybe it's wishful thinking on our part, but certainly not truth. God calls us to a certain way of living, and that may mean having a type of job not desired or dealing with people when you'd rather be with your family. But that doesn't make it any less important, in fact that makes it all the more important because we're called to that life by the one who gave us breath to live it.
I can have these thoughts but at the end of the day there are bigger things out there than my desire to travel & see the world & all it's adventures waiting. I'm pretty sure that He wants me to go to school in the Burg, & this is certainly where I'm gonna stay until that changes. Even if it doesn't, He's got something bigger planned that I can even imagine. Truth against my discontent. I'm going to let that win, and see where it takes me. Till then, I'll keep ya'll posted. ~
Can I please go travel?? Right now?! Get on a plane and just go! (it would be my motto if I had the money to back it up with) Sadly, life beckons and requires me to be a responsible citizen and go to school & work. I get so caught up on how much time we spend working for a living, going to school for that living, and then the time we devote to our families/friends or doing something to better the world. The ratio just seems a tad unfair. But then, who said life was supposed to be? Maybe it's wishful thinking on our part, but certainly not truth. God calls us to a certain way of living, and that may mean having a type of job not desired or dealing with people when you'd rather be with your family. But that doesn't make it any less important, in fact that makes it all the more important because we're called to that life by the one who gave us breath to live it.
I can have these thoughts but at the end of the day there are bigger things out there than my desire to travel & see the world & all it's adventures waiting. I'm pretty sure that He wants me to go to school in the Burg, & this is certainly where I'm gonna stay until that changes. Even if it doesn't, He's got something bigger planned that I can even imagine. Truth against my discontent. I'm going to let that win, and see where it takes me. Till then, I'll keep ya'll posted. ~
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Not-so-earned Love
I always write late in the evening. Never in the morning, never midday. Always at night.
I'm rather late finally blogging about this, but the Crash retreat was incredible! Not because I had some quality time with God or the other girls, which was great, don't get me wrong. But because God showed me some hard truths about my life. I kept searching for answers that I thought were the only necessary things for God to share with me; where I needed to head with my schooling, what job I should go for, all the basics really. However, this was not His plan for the weekend and I was going to learn it in a not-so-easy way!
When first getting there I didn't feel like I wanted to be at the retreat at all..I wanted to bolt as soon as I sat down at a table. I knew God was going to share something difficult with me as soon as the music started, and I did NOT want to hear it. Trust me, He didn't fail to comply :p
I won't share the specifics, but I had to give something up. A stronghold, a burden that had weighed me down when I hadn't even realized it. I was angry at God...why had he let this happen? My argument of course making no sense because it was a choice I had made long ago, and allowed. Free will, I mean honestly how could He give us that?! (note how crazy I must have sounded) The next step of course was to let go of the stronghold. Easier said than done. But God doesn't want us to live under anything but His will for our lives, we just have to lean into that no matter how we feel at the time.
Letting go. Freedom. Peace. Joy.
He wasn't done with me just yet, I had to tell the group just what was going on. WONDERFUL. God has a sense of humor, and knows that I hate being in the spotlight! But again, He knew just what it would take to begin healing me from this.
I learned that weekend that I didn't really embrace or pay attention to God's true love for me...sure I've heard it my whole life, maybe even believed it in a shallow sense. Letting yourself fully experience it is another thing. That was His last message for me. I don't have to hold back with Him, I can allow myself to be completely open with my life & emotions. I am safe with Him. I don't have to earn my way into His heart, or be worried that He will change His mind about me. How is it that I've held back with that when He has been waiting for me, loving me through all of my junk & being my saving grace all the while?
Honestly, we serve a truly mighty God. Praise be to Him!
I'm rather late finally blogging about this, but the Crash retreat was incredible! Not because I had some quality time with God or the other girls, which was great, don't get me wrong. But because God showed me some hard truths about my life. I kept searching for answers that I thought were the only necessary things for God to share with me; where I needed to head with my schooling, what job I should go for, all the basics really. However, this was not His plan for the weekend and I was going to learn it in a not-so-easy way!
When first getting there I didn't feel like I wanted to be at the retreat at all..I wanted to bolt as soon as I sat down at a table. I knew God was going to share something difficult with me as soon as the music started, and I did NOT want to hear it. Trust me, He didn't fail to comply :p
I won't share the specifics, but I had to give something up. A stronghold, a burden that had weighed me down when I hadn't even realized it. I was angry at God...why had he let this happen? My argument of course making no sense because it was a choice I had made long ago, and allowed. Free will, I mean honestly how could He give us that?! (note how crazy I must have sounded) The next step of course was to let go of the stronghold. Easier said than done. But God doesn't want us to live under anything but His will for our lives, we just have to lean into that no matter how we feel at the time.
Letting go. Freedom. Peace. Joy.
He wasn't done with me just yet, I had to tell the group just what was going on. WONDERFUL. God has a sense of humor, and knows that I hate being in the spotlight! But again, He knew just what it would take to begin healing me from this.
I learned that weekend that I didn't really embrace or pay attention to God's true love for me...sure I've heard it my whole life, maybe even believed it in a shallow sense. Letting yourself fully experience it is another thing. That was His last message for me. I don't have to hold back with Him, I can allow myself to be completely open with my life & emotions. I am safe with Him. I don't have to earn my way into His heart, or be worried that He will change His mind about me. How is it that I've held back with that when He has been waiting for me, loving me through all of my junk & being my saving grace all the while?
Honestly, we serve a truly mighty God. Praise be to Him!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
a year just past
2011.
So much happened this year; it's hard to sum it all up in one post. I made some incredible friends, moved out, grew emotionally, had some serious medical problems, faced one of my biggest fears, & took some steps backwards when I should have been moving on with my life.
I learned that when you think you can't survive something, God will bring you through. Begrudging spirit and all. I was showed how humble we truly are in our human state...making it incomprehensible why the God that we have would even want to bother. But He does!
So..2012? I have no idea what to expect of this year. So far I feel that it's been a giant leap of faith, & we're only half way through the second month.
So here's to taking chances & new adventures to ensue!
So much happened this year; it's hard to sum it all up in one post. I made some incredible friends, moved out, grew emotionally, had some serious medical problems, faced one of my biggest fears, & took some steps backwards when I should have been moving on with my life.
I learned that when you think you can't survive something, God will bring you through. Begrudging spirit and all. I was showed how humble we truly are in our human state...making it incomprehensible why the God that we have would even want to bother. But He does!
So..2012? I have no idea what to expect of this year. So far I feel that it's been a giant leap of faith, & we're only half way through the second month.
So here's to taking chances & new adventures to ensue!
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